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Rating the Girls at hotornot.com

Though this article was compiled by WyldKard, thanks go to all those helping to create this ratings guide, including Wayne “The Dirty Frenchman” Pozzar, The American Hero, Jim “MoneyBags” Hawley, and our dear friend Al Cohol.

Introduction

Whoever came up with the idea of amihotornot.com should be awarded a frikken medal. There are few web pages out there that keep me entertained long enough to come back, and there are even fewer that I enjoy browsing with a group of friends. I mean, web-browsing is usually considered a solo-adventure, but amihotornot.com changed that.

Though a gorgeous site, giving us pictures of gorgeous women to drool over, and non-gorgeous women to flame and rate low, likely driving them to commit suicide in the night when they realize that they were right about no one loving them, the ratings system of the site has some definite problems, not the least of which is the fairly random ratings some surfers choose to endulge in. I mean, standards are good, people, and it is with this thought in mind that I partook in a seminar program to bring about the Ratings Consortium, which has since taken me on as a member. Actually, I helped form the damn thing, so they had to make me a member.

Okay, okay, I made up the Ratings Consortium. But if it did exist (which it ought to), it would publish these findings, which are as important as remembering not to wear boxers before a heavy workout. Yea, that important.

Now, please remember that though there may not be a Ratings Consortium, the information contained within this guide has been field-tested regardless, by a number of twenty-something males. In addition, though some of the information below might appear strange, it all serves a very good purpose. If, at any point, you question why we included something like “line drawing” in the minus section below, it’s because we’ve actually come across someone on amihotornot.com that posted a frikken line drawing of themselves.

Could this syetm be altered to rate the men of amihotornot.com? Most surely, but since I’m wholly uninterested in such, I will opt not to write that kind of an article, but rather wait to let one of our other staff writers to take on the project. *ahem*Calvin*ahem*. Well, in this most accurate of systems, the base score for starting any rating is 5. So before you instinctively move your cursor to one, or ten, stop what you’re doing. Yea, that’s right, sucka. Hover that cursor near five, and get ready to follow the guidelines.

The Creed

Before going on, you must recite The Creed. It goes as follows:

No face, no score.
No head, no score.
No skin, no score.

What does this mean, exactly? It’s quite simple, really. If the picture in question does not show the face of the woman, immediately rate the picture as low as possible and move on. This is also true if you can’t see the head of the woman at all, or if there is not enough skin shown. The qualifier “enough” is somewhat subjective, though we take it as meaning “an average amount of”. For instance, if the amount of skin shown is appropriate for a typical day out, and the woman is not covered in pounds of clothing (winter jackets, for instance), then the picture passed The Creed, which serves as stage one of our quick filtering method.

The Kosher Test

Named after Wayne “Kosher” Pozzar, a misplaced Frenchman from NY, this second stage of our filtration method consists of assigning more automatic zeroes for those unworthy of scores. While we could have easily included these criteria in The Creed, we decided to separate them for no particular reason. In fact, it makes as much sense as the French, which is, appropriately, why this phase was named after a toad. Er, a frog.

Automatic zeroes are assigned for the following:

Professional Model - The whole purpose of amihotornot.com is to rate your goon friends and other “average” people. To include professional models is simply unfair, and we take great pleasure in shouting “Not-See!” at the top of our lungs when such a picture comes up. Somewhere inside our drunken heads, we imagine the model can hear us, and we take pleasure in that.

Breasts Bigger Than Your Head - Boobies that big are not cool, man. Granted, some of you sickos may like 100lb hooters, but this guide isn’t for freaks like you. Your head size is the limit.

One Breast - Even worse than two ridiculously huge b00bies is the lack of a whole breast. Granted, most women have one breast larger than the other, but missing one entirely doesn’t count for anything.

Too Stupid to Post the Picture - C’mon, ladies. We know you secretly control the World Wide Web, and that your Internet presence is growing at a much faster rate than male-Internet use. As such, there’s no excuse for not being able to post your picture properly. Broken URL’s, “hosted-on” messages, etc, are unacceptable, and a low score is what you get as a result.

Baby Present - Sure, babies are cute, but not the type of “cute” we’re looking for when we surf amihototnot.com. In fact, the presence of any child, toddler, fetus, or whatever in your picture disqualifies you from a proper rating.

“He’s a Man, Baby!” - If you’re a guy, and post your picture in the female’s section of amihotornot.com, you should be shot.

Milli Vanilli - If you look like the infamous pop duo, you also deserve to be shot.

Statues - Stone figures, real dolls, mannequins, or anything else of the sort gets you a low score. Yes, even if they’re just in the background.

Anything That Makes You Exclaim, “AHHH!!!” - ’nuff said.

The Plusses

And here we are with the plus modifiers. Indeed, if you’ve survived The Creed and the Kosher Test, it’s time to up the value of your picture. The following table should be your guide:

Beer	+1
Bikini	+1
Cowboy Hat	+1
Drunk	+1
Latino	+1
Liquor	+1
Nice Car	+1
Nose Ring	+1
Pajama Pants	+1
Red Head	+1
Showing Midriff	+1
Asian	+2
"Bangable"	+2
Belly Ring	+2
Cheerleader Outfit	+2
D.S.L.	+2
Drawn-on Bikini	+2
"Gettin’ Into It"	+2
Guinness	+2
In Bed	+2
In the Gym	+2
Incidental Lengerie	+2
Leather/Latex	+2
Lesbian	+2
Tongue Ring	+2
Wine	+2
Dressed like a Devil	+3
Dressed like an Angel	+3
Nippage	+3
Smokin’ a Joint	+3
Gettin’ 40’s poured on ‘em	+6
Phagina	+10

The Minuses

What, did you think we’d let you add points and not take any back? Of course not. Again, we’ve put together a table to guide you:

80’s Haircut	-1
Animal Bigger than Person	-1
Baggy Clothes	-1
Bigass Picture	-1
Bleached Blond	-1
Copious Pink	-1
Crooked Nose	-1
Fake Breasts	-1
Goth	-1
Junk in the Trunk (large ass)	-1
No Ass	-1
Not "Into It"	-1
Pig Snout	-1
Sagging Breasts	-1
Scraggly Hair	-1
Shitty Car	-1
Under 70 Pounds	-1
Wreathe on Head	-1
Blurry Picture	-2
Braces	-2
Deer Caught in Headlights	-2
Flat Head	-2
Fuzzy Pictures	-2
Guy Touching	-2
Internet Connection Sucks	-2
Lip Ring	-2
Looks "Used"	-2
No Body	-2
No Breasts	-2
Over 40	-2
Picture is too Fucking Small	-2
Racoon Eyes	-2
Stupid	-2
Text in Picture	-2
Truck Face	-2
Under 16	-2
Wearing a Wig	-2
"What the fuck is that shit in the background?"	-2
Nice job using your DL pic, ya fuckin’ idiot!	-3
"Snaggletooth"	-3
URL in Picture	-3
Retahded-lookin’	-4
Showin’ off More Than You Have To	-4
Line Drawing	-5
Mustache	-5

The Weight Scale

Those magazines are only half right - guys don’t like super skinny chicks, and they certainly don’t like fat chicks. Well, guys in ancient Greece did, but we’re not them.

Skinny	-1
Slim	+1
Full	0
Chubby	-1
Fat	-2
Dear God!	-5

The Breast Scale

All Guys like breasts. They may not care about them entirely, but they certainly don’t mind them being there, within reason. It’s for this reason that the Breast Scale was compiled, and though it adds a level of complexity that some guys don’t want to deal with out of laziness, more accurate results can be found by incorporating this scale into your daily amihotornot.com rating routine.

	Board	A	B	C	D	DD	Dragging
Skinny	0	+1	+2	NA	NA	NA	-4
Slim	-1	0	+1	+2	+2	-1	-3
Full	-2	-1	0	+1	+2	-1	-2
Chubby	-2	-2	-1	0	+1	+2	-2
Fat	-3	-2	-2	-1	+1	+1	-1
Dear God!	NA	NA	NA	NA	NA	NA	NA

Done?

Almost, but not quite. Before you can click the final number rating, we’re giving you the option of raising or lowering the final rating by one point, but only by one point. This accounts for some cultural diversity - for instance, if you lived in ancient Greece, you may wan to rate that fat woman you’re eying a point higher, or if you live in France and you like hairy armpits, feel free to add a point. We’re all about compromising here, fellas.

Finally, if you have any suggestions for future revisions of this guide, send them our way.

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