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I have no problem with gay men. In fact, some of the nicest, most fun people I’ve ever met have been gay. My issue is with those men who assert they are definitely NOT gay, but clearly are. By looking at my various friends, I’ve been able to compile a list of tell tale signs that just may help you. Stop hiding, and get out there like a has-been ‘N Sync boy-man starved for free publicity, and admit you’re gay! (Or at least bisexual.) So, take a look below and see if you are repressing your inner gay!

Seven signs you’re a gay man:

1. You’ve ever said, “I know I’m not gay, because I made out with a man and didn’t like it.”

Sugar, I’m sorry, but if you’ve made out with a man you’re hiding your gay (and not very well at that). No completely straight man I’ve met has looked at another man’s stubbly face and thought, “Gee. I’m attracted to that, but am not sure. Maybe I should test it out.” And for the record, using this as a line to pick up women, does not work. You may as well pack it up and head home for the night, because you’re not scoring, my friend.

2. You wear more make-up than your girlfriend.

Now, now… I know. Wearing make-up can be a goth thing, and I’m down with that, but make-up does not belong on a man unless you’re an actor on stage. Notice I said “on stage”. That does not mean you can be an actor and wear make-up in your every day life. If you insist on wearing make-up, it’s either black or nothing. It’s a slippery slope, though. Once you start wearing make-up, it’s only a matter of time before you start experimenting with different colors, and then you may as well hang up a diversity flag and buy a pair of pumps and a nice dress.

3. You wear make-up and have commented that you look “pretty” with it on.

I think this needs no explanation.

4. You’ve ever engaged, wanted to engage, or asked your girlfriend to engage in pegging.

I have no problem if you want to experiment with sex. That’s fine. You want to use handcuffs or a sex swing? I don’t care. It’s your choice, and I won’t mock you for it (to your face). But when you convince your girlfriend to use a strap-on and pound you in the ass like you’re her bitch while maintaining that you’re a straight man? … I can’t get behind that. Taking it in the rear = gay.

5. You claim rolling around on a mat with a sweaty guy’s ball sack in your face is “martial arts.”

Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu is not a straight man’s sport. Neither is wrestling or any other sport that ends in one man straddling another or pinning a man to a floor. Yes, I agree that it is certainly athletic, but so is sex. Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu is simply dry humping. As an extra bonus, if you have a book of the various positions anywhere in your home, but especially near your bed, you need to stop, take a deep breath, and say, “I am gay.” You’ll feel much better.

6. You drag your friends to a club because it has “the best music in city,” and it turns out to be a gay bar.

I’m sorry, but no matter how great the music is, if you choose a gay club, you’re gay. No amount of denying it will work. If the bartender knows your drink order without having to ask (Cosmopolitan), don that tiara. It’s time.

7. You enjoy watching or have ever participated in two-man luge.

There is nothing gayer than two-man luge. Nothing. Gay sex isn’t as gay as two-man luge.

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