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So, last week I was sitting around my home, feeling super bored. The kind of bored where you don’t want to do anything. You don’t want to watch TV; you don’t want to read; you don’t want to go outside or call friends or any of that stuff. I decided that since my computer was in front of me, I would just surf around and see what I could find. It was in this flighty search that I decided to look around for stupid little free games on-line. After all, one can only play Text Twist so much without praying for an early death.

I randomly tried a site, and on the intro page I saw a little icon of a penguin, and I thought, “Oooo… I like penguins! They’re so cute!!” So, I clicked on the icon and was spirited away to Club Penguin. The little penguins were so adorable! Even though it was obviously a kids’ game, I decided to check it out. Turns out Club Penguin is a MMPORG for kids. You can play mini games, get a job to earn money, buy cute and crazy outfits for your adorable penguin, and interact with other live players.

I chose a penguin and named him on a variance of the name of my favorite penguin, Weezy. I wandered around the town, and stumbled into the little dance club. There’s a lit dance floor where you can make your penguin dance his little penguin butt off. There I am, not five minutes into the game, dancing my adorable penguin dance, when another penguin, Snoopy354 (or something like that), walks up to me and says hi. Keep in mind that Snoopy is another live player like me. I say hello, and the Snoopy responds with “I’m horny.” And just like that, I felt an extreme need to go take a shower. “Can’t….get….clean!!!!” My innocence shattered. My cute little penguin I so lovingly created was tainted. And to think that before that moment, I was thinking that my nephew might enjoy something like this in a couple of years. Now that idea gets not just a no, but a HELL NO!

I decided to see if I had just run into an anomaly, so I went out into an area with lots of other live players. In this game you cannot have a private chat. The bubbles are clearly displayed above your head. What I saw made me want to break out a Brillo pad to try to scrub the unclean feeling off of me by taking off layers of skin. The area seemed to be riddled with what I’m sure was a blend of prepubescent boys just discovering sex, girls with low self-esteem who were trying to whore themselves for attention, and probably a fair amount of sexual predators posing as one of the above.

I was traumatized. I couldn’t look at the penguins in the same innocent, super cute way. Just like that the game was ruined for me, and I began to doubt the innocence of penguins. Are they on the same path of evil as koalas?

The weekend passed, and the memory of that event was beginning to fade, but then this morning in the newspaper I saw another traumatic penguin-related event. Chilean teachers staged a protest to demand better salaries. The picture that was chosen to accompany the article was that of a life-size penguin on the ground in front of a line of police in raid gear and shields. That’s right. A potential furry (*shudder*) lay on the ground to protest teacher salaries. All I could think of was what the fuck does a penguin have to do with teacher salaries!?! Nothing in the paper explained the odd occurence of a person in a penguin suit protesting teacher salaries. The absurdity of the situation left me befuddled and caused me, yet again, to question my affection for penguins.

I cannot help but feel the uncomfortable experiences I’ve had with penguin related things is leading toward some cataclysmic event. Surely, this defiling of penguin innocence cannot be a coincidence. Be wary, gentle reader. Keep a vigilant eye. Look for other odd penguin events. It could be the key to our eventual undoing.

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