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That it is a sign of alcholism that I expect to receive bottles of wine at my doorstep every month is inconsequential. Rather, the importance here is that these bottles are delivered in a timely fashion, such that I may appropriately schedule the drowning of my sorrows. Sadly, this is nigh impossible when UPS fails to deliver on their promise, for if they do not fail to leave behind a notice that they tried to deliver my precious wine when I was away, it is that they fail to leave information as to when they will next return, or, in the case of three such failures, where and for how long they intend to leave my alcoholic juices.

So it was last week when UPS decided to send me, via United States Postal Service a postcard with the message that my package would be returned to sender post haste, lest I make a physical appearance at their facility downtown, as though I am a criminal receiving a summons to appear in court. This alone would not despair me, were it not for the fact that the date of deportation my package would soon face was the same date I received this postcard in my mailbox.

Hastily I called their national telephone number, for they left me no local number of their downtown facility. The woman who answered, with a foreign accent I can only conclude was not English nor American, determined that UPS could still hold my package until a later date, a date on which I would be available for travel extending to the downtown areas of the city. The foreign woman explained that I had until the 31st of October for such a trip, and yet today (still the 30th of October in every corner of the United States that I am aware), I was told by the package getter that my wines could not be found, perhaps having disappeared in the stomachs of the Men in Brown. Apparently, said the package getter, my alcoholic juices were already returned to sender.

Be it a travesty born of disorganization or poor timing, I can tell you only this: UPS is an incompetent wreck of an organization, whose lecherous alcoholism resulted in the reallocation of my precious fermented grapes. Such villainy will not stand for long.

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