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I’ve been holding off writing something about Berkeley, because A: it’s far too easy to insult them, B: it took me forever to figure out how to login, and C: I’m lazy. But I’ve had enough of the hippie-laden town that is Berkeley. Yes, I’ve complained about them before, and I probably will so again. But they DEMAND it. I was originally going to write a small series of rants, but I’ve saved up and decided to put them all into one article. I even cut down on the number of things I wished to complain about and am only going mention three.

1. Stop slowing down my morning commute, assholes!!! On my way to work is a pedestrian bridge that spans the width of the freeway. Unfortunately, this bridge is located within easy distance of Berkeley and the UC Berkeley campus. The proximity, safety, and busy area is perfect for hippies to gather during the morning commute, hang their stupid “Impeach Bush” and “Stop the War” signs on the protective chain link, and wave like they’re the bastard children of royalty. I can handle protesters. Granted, they often suck just as much or worse than the pedestrian bridge hippies, but at least I can yell at them or ignore them, and they generally don’t have much of an effect on me or my commute time.

This is not the case with the pedestrian hippies. They hang their signs and they yell and they wave, and in so doing, they can’t help but attract the attention of drivers who are pissed off and bored by their commute. This again would be okay, if it weren’t for the fact that traffic slows down to read the anti-war signs or to honk in support. Once traffic has passed the pedestrian bridge the flow picks up, so I know I’m not imagining things. These damn hippies are making a painful commute even slower. GODDAMNIT HIPPIES!!! KNOCK IT OFF!

You’re HIPPIES. We KNOW that. And as such, we understand that you are fundamentally against war. You are going to protest every war, regardless of what’s at stake. You don’t need to stand on a bridge, slow my commute, and make sure people know it. We do, okay? Put down your joint and the “Impeach Bush” sign and get the hell off that bridge!

Let’s say, for argument’s sake that I did indeed want to stop the war, and I was interested by your message. Okay…. now what? I can’t pull over and ask you for your views. I can’t even get a pamphlet off of you to find out ways to stop the war. You’re USELESS!!! If you were doing the same thing on a street corner, at least I’d know that you might be able to change someone’s mind. A hastily constructed sign hung on a freeway pedestrian bridge is not going to convince me of anything other than that you’re a jerk who’s making it harder for me to get to work.

2. WTF is wrong with you, Berkeley? Several weeks ago a roommate ad was posted on Craigslist. This add generated so many complaints that after two days, Craigslist removed it from their site. What could be so awful that even a liberal city like San Francisco was asking,”What the hell is wrong with you Berkeley”? The advertisement called for a female roomate to share a house with seven other people. But this freaky commune didn’t want just any female roommate. They wanted a lactating female roommate who would provide breast milk for the members of the house. Yeah… that’s right… they wanted their own personal human cow. Apparently, the commune members read some studies about how breast milk is beneficial for you even as an adult. To which I say so are vitamins. Go buy some. Hell, I’ll even buy you a bottle if you promise never to mention the human cow idea again. Apparently, the house did specify, however, that the female could pump the milk rather than feeding it to them naturally. OMG… ewww… *vurp*

3. Berkeley has taken their anti-war sentiments to a new level (although since this does not directly impact my commute, I’m not as pissed off) by, as a city mind you, supporting Germany in its efforts to try Donald Rumsfeld for war crimes. (Make sure that KSM has his rights, though.) Now, I’m not saying I’m a huge Rumsfeld fan, but isn’t it a little ironic that the Germans are trying to bring him to trial? Sure, torture isn’t exactly the most noble thing, but we’re not talking about the mass extermination of six million people. Now, Germany, don’t get your discotech panties in a knot. I know that you need to do a little finger pointing to try to make yourselves feel better about the ramifications of your “vacation camps”, but you need to think about what’s happening here. Do you REALLY want to ally yourself with Berkeley? Human-cow-soliciting Berkeley? They’re NUTS!

The city initially considered filing a joint suit, but the city council pointed out that they could not handle a countersuit if it was lodged. So, basically, Berkeley takes the pussy route again. Go ahead you worthless pot-smoking, dreadlock-sporting, tie-die wearing hippies. Go ahead and hang your signs and do your stupid little waving thinking that anyone really cares about anything you have to say other than the poor unsuspecting UC Berkeley Freshmen. Just don’t slow down my commute.

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