Somehow, at the 2008 Good Design Expo, Japanese company Willcom showcased a concept phone to what Forever Geek refers to as “the adoring public”. The phone is not only oversized, but in the shape of a teddy bear, and requires the user to talk into the bear’s crotch as though to give it fellatio. Fortunately, the bear is anatomically incorrect.

How such a design monstrosity (it’s not even a good-looking teddy bear) is being displayed at the Good Design Expo is amazing. Even more frightening is that the concept phone sells for $500 (which would tend to suggest there’s little concept about it). While we hate to say it, only in Japan could such a monstrosity be considered a desirable product to both manufacture, and ultimately buy.

What’s with designers coming up with wholly unpractical products, anyway? While the phone’s design is an expensive novelty aimed at being “cute” (presumably in an attempt to infer that the bear is whispering to the user), there’s no clear way to dial un-programmed numbers via the bear-phone. All in all, the novelty of the phone could probably be re-created with some clever hackery of an existing phone and teddy bear, for much cheaper than $500 and with arguably better results on the cuteness scale. Plus, enterprising folks at home could either find a way to make communication work in a way that one doesn’t need to talk to the bear’s crotch, else slip full-on into the realm of bear-phone bestiality. Either way, we bet it’d sell in Japan.

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Somewhat surprised were we when we came across a post decrying the old brown Starbucks logo in favor of the censored, common-place green one. In said post, author Maxator doesn’t so much mind the bare breasts that most people complain about, but instead doesn’t like the idea of the Starbucks mermaid holding her “mer-legs” apart. Going so far as to call the whole thing “offensive”, Maxator’s comments appear without an understanding for the logo’s core theme, never-mind a mermaid’s anatomy.

The original logo, unlike the polished, cartoony new green one, is not meant to look refined. Rather, it’s designed to look like a 15th century European woodcut depicting a twin-tailed mermaid, which is also known as a melusine. In fact, many historical melusine drawings depict the creatures in a similar way as Starbucks has, and the only pornographic notions are those inferred, not directly implied. Perhaps that’s why the melusine is even seen in European heraldry, and why the image is quite appropriate as Starbucks’ logo given the corporation’s intent to sell their outlets as a patron’s “third place” outside work and home: the melusine’s alchemical representation is that of unity: earth and water, body and soul, etc.

As far as we’re concerned, Starbucks should bring back the old logo permanently. Those who think the old logo is hideous are clearly missing the point. We happen to like the old-world feel of the Pike’s Place Starbucks store, and wish that all newer stores embodied the same theme. Screw the spit and polish and unnecessary censoring of the new logo. It’s almost as though Americans want to be offended.

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Let’s step back in time for a moment if you will so indulge me. There was a time when I befriended a girl, not necessarily because we had a ton in common, but because we were working in the same place and were one of the few women under 30. Over the course of a couple of years, we became very good friends. I used to tease her because she’s British and I found her pronunciations of things like “aluminum” (al-you-min-e-um to her) positivley hilarious. She was fun, and she listened when I had problems. I thought we’d be friends for a long time.

Well, that was until she fucked me over like no person has ever fucked over another person. Her betrayal was so vile that I am obviously STILL suffering some rather bitter feelings towards her after about a year and half. (understatement) In fact, I think Madeline Kahn (quite possibly the best comedic actress to ever live) said it best as Mrs. White in Clue. I’ve never understood how someone can be truly soulless, but if anyone comes close, it has to be her. How do you intentionally and almost with glee destroy your friend’s life? How can you possibly look at yourself every day knowing that your lies and malice cost your friend everything? How can you do that to someone you called a friend simply because you had a small dispute over rent? (or so she claims) She moved out and never showed the slightest guilt over what she did, nor did she even try to make it up to me. In fact, she and her boyfriend laughed the entire time they were moving her stuff out of my place.

So to hear today that she actually married the guy I introduced her to (a couple of years ago when we were still friends) sent me over the edge. How can she possibly have the gaul to be happy after what she did to me? The guy saw me today and announced that they married last week. I was tempted to say, “What…her green card get denied or something?”, but instead, I somehow instinctively pulled out my manners and simply congratulated him. I can’t believe I congratulated him on marrying some freakishly mannish ueber-whore. Again… flames… on the sides of my face…. While I can’t lower myself to wish her physical pain, I can certainly hope that her marriage fails or that someone screws her over the way she did to me. It’s just upsetting that she should be so happy in her life, when I am just starting to recover from the damage she inflicted.

Is there no justice in the world? When will the proverbial scales balance out? When will she get her comeupance? I have to believe that some day kharma is going to come back to bite her in the ass. I just hate to think that people like that go on to lead happy and fulfilled lives. Am I going overboard? Probably… but she wounded me in a way no one else ever has, and I think that entitles me to some ill feelings.

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Perusing a fairly mundane post on office hijinks earlier today, I followed a much less mundane post that is both hilarious and scary at the same time. Namely, the link is for a product that mea ignoramus believes can only come out of Japan, because, well, that’s the kind of quirky shit that comes out of Japan: sex dolls for dogs.

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Despite the fact that the San Francisco bay area is plagued with an infestation of dirty hippies, there are actually a few really great things about it that make me think I could actually live here. Then, as always seems to be the case, the city of San Francisco goes and gets all politically correct and stupid. In true fashion, the mayor of San Francisco recently announced that there would be no Halloween celebration in the Castro any more.

First of all, you must understand that I LOVE Halloween. It’s my favorite holiday. I start getting that itch to buy Halloween decorations for the next year before Christmas even arrives. Every year I struggle not to buy more Halloween things, practically shaking like a recovering drug addict. It seems each year I’m finding an excuse to decorate just another day or week earlier than the last.

So when I came to San Francisco and discovered there was a huge Halloween celebration in one of the strangest districts in the city, I was pratically salivating. What could be better than some crazy Halloween street party? Unfortunately for me, I wasn’t able to attend as many of them as I would have liked for various reasons that still anger me after many years. The times I have been able to attend, however, have been crazy fun!

For those of you not familiar with Halloween in the Castro, it is a massive street party where people dress in crazy costumes, bands play on several stages set throughout the area, and people just have a great time. Anything goes on that day. If you’ve never seen gay men go all out on Halloween, you’re missing out on some wild times. It doesn’t matter if you’re ugly, fat, or a nudist at heart (that is both ugly and fat), people wear the kind of costumes they want, and everyone just accepts it. Heck, they even applaud it.

Granted, the noise, glimpses of dark alley sex, braying assholes, stealth groping, and urine puddles, combined with no parking, overloaded public transit, and suspiciously absent cabs is a gigantic downside to the street festival, but the absolute fun and crazy times more than makes up for it.

Alcohol used to be okay at the event, but after several violent incidents, they banned alcohol and starting seriously staffing the event with police. Okay, fine. I can handle that. There’s plenty of time for drinking later. Last year, they talked about banning the decades old street festival altogether, despite a successful and peaceful festival the year before.

Well, that was before the 9 shooting injuries that took place at last year’s Halloween bash and thus sealed the fate of Halloween in the Castro. Unfortunately, I noticed the last time that I was there that as the night progressed it stopped being populated with laughing people, wild costumes and good times, and started being infiltrated by uncostumed thuggish looking men and women I can only assume must have been there to start some trouble. Even looking at pictures of the incident last year, one can see the suspicious lack of costumes.

So, yes, the street festival has been going a bit downhill recently, but canceling it? The solution the city has is to get a “big name band” to perform at AT&T Park and move the festival there. They will not provide public toilet facilities in the Castro this year, have encouraged shop owners to close early, and will patrol the area to move people toward the stadium. I’m sorry, but a stadium Halloween party? …… sigh It just loses something. It’s not the same, and that stadium party is going to flop because no one wants to be corralled.

Halloween in San Francisco is officially over. In it’s place will be the Diet Coke of Halloween. No matter how much they say it’s just like the real thing, we all know that when we take that first taste, it’s going to be a sad disappointment.

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Only recently did I bring up the iPod accessory made for women, which makes for an interesting alternative to the device unspecific vibrator that runs on sounds generated by any device with a standard audio output port. As mentioned in my earlier post, this is no different than the model aimed specifically at the iPod, though this device, the Talk2Me, is advertised as being device neutral.

Currently, the Talk2Me comes in one color, but it is likely that others will be offered in the future. Additionally, unlike the OhMiBod, the Talk2Me separates bass from treble, and outputs them separately through two different vibrating components. And, this is done wirelessly so one needn’t worry about stretching cables across one’s room, making it convenient to run the Talk2Me off a television, stereo, or even video game console.

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Apparently there is a world of condom users out there who have severe slippage issues, and by “slippage” I refer to the slipping off of condoms rather than the slipping in of the latex-clothed penis into, well, you know. To combat this problem, a German company decided to improve on the most common contraceptive we use, and design a system to spray the penis with a latex coating directly, thus making for a custom fit. In short, the penis is put into a tube, and then sprayed from all sides by a quick-drying form of liquid latex.

The company is still testing the product, which will hit stores in 2008. The obvious issues are meanwhile being worked out, such as the speed at which the latex dries, and the refillable cartridges to give another 25 “sprays”. Obviously, these condoms won’t be lubricated, or contain spermicide, so whether this becomes anything less than a novelty is still to be seen, if it even makes it to U.S. shores.

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Apple makes sleek, polished products, in both appearance and functionality. No surprise then that third-party products who develop Apple accessories occasionally borrow Apple’s stylings to complement the product they’re developing after. Such is the case with the OhMiBod, an accessory for Apple’s iPod. Only, this accessory isn’t another docking station – it’s a vibrator.

In theory, the OhMiBod will work with any audio source, since it’s really just converting bass to vibrations. However, the pink garter and iPod-eque styling makes its market clear. It also make me wish I were a woman.

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I have no problem with gay men. In fact, some of the nicest, most fun people I’ve ever met have been gay. My issue is with those men who assert they are definitely NOT gay, but clearly are. By looking at my various friends, I’ve been able to compile a list of tell tale signs that just may help you. Stop hiding, and get out there like a has-been ‘N Sync boy-man starved for free publicity, and admit you’re gay! (Or at least bisexual.) So, take a look below and see if you are repressing your inner gay!

Seven signs you’re a gay man:

1. You’ve ever said, “I know I’m not gay, because I made out with a man and didn’t like it.”

Sugar, I'm sorry, but if you've made out with a man you're hiding your gay (and not very well at that).  No completely straight man I've met has looked at another man's stubbly face and thought, "Gee. I'm attracted to that, but am not sure.  Maybe I should test it out."  And for the record, using this as a line to pick up women, does not work.  You may as well pack it up and head home for the night, because you're not scoring, my friend.

2. You wear more make-up than your girlfriend.

Now, now... I know.  Wearing make-up can be a goth thing, and I'm down with that, but make-up does not belong on a man unless you're an actor on stage.  Notice I said "on stage".  That does not mean you can be an actor and wear make-up in your every day life.  If you insist on wearing make-up, it's either black or nothing.  It's a slippery slope, though.  Once you start wearing make-up, it's only a matter of time before you start experimenting with different colors, and then you may as well hang up a diversity flag and buy a pair of pumps and a nice dress.

3. You wear make-up and have commented that you look “pretty” with it on.

I think this needs no explanation.

4. You’ve ever engaged, wanted to engage, or asked your girlfriend to engage in pegging.

I have no problem if you want to experiment with sex.  That's fine.  You want to use handcuffs or a sex swing?  I don't care.  It's your choice, and I won't mock you for it (to your face).  But when you convince your girlfriend to use a strap-on and pound you in the ass like you're her bitch while maintaining that you're a straight man?  ... I can't get behind that.  Taking it in the rear = gay.

5. You claim rolling around on a mat with a sweaty guy’s ball sack in your face is “martial arts.”

Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu is not a straight man's sport.  Neither is wrestling or any other sport that ends in one man straddling another or pinning a man to a floor.  Yes, I agree that it is certainly athletic, but so is sex.  Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu is simply dry humping.  As an extra bonus, if you have a book of the various positions anywhere in your home, but especially near your bed, you need to stop, take a deep breath, and say, "I am gay."  You'll feel much better.

6. You drag your friends to a club because it has “the best music in city,” and it turns out to be a gay bar.

I'm sorry, but no matter how great the music is, if you choose a gay club, you're gay.  No amount of denying it will work.  If the bartender knows your drink order without having to ask (Cosmopolitan), don that tiara.  It's time.

7. You enjoy watching or have ever participated in two-man luge.

There is nothing gayer than two-man luge.  Nothing.  Gay sex isn't as gay as two-man luge.<hr /><strong>Similar Posts:</strong><ul class="similar-posts"><li><a href="http://mendax.org/2006/06/14/attn-women-stop-the-madness-large-sunglasses-are-hideous/" rel="bookmark" title="June 14, 2006">ATTN WOMEN: Stop the madness &#8211; large sunglasses are hideous!</a> - Several years ago, a close female friend of mine showed up at my house on a sunny day wearing what I...</li><br />

Several years ago, a close female friend of mine showed up at my house on a sunny day wearing what I thought at the time were the most hideous pair of oversized sunglasses I had ever seen. I asked about them and she joked that she had lost her good sunglasses and picked that particular replacement pair up at a local gas station for a dollar. She admitted they were hideous, but she wore them more as a joke and to rebel against fashion. Little did I know at the time, that I may have witnessed the start of a truly embarrassing fashion trend.

Just today walking around San Francisco, I could not look in any direction without seeing a young woman with gigantic plastic monstrosities on her face. Don’t get me wrong, I have made similar mistakes myself. I look back at my youth, specifically junior high and high school, and remember fondly the fashion miscues of my generation. Mullets, parachute pants, zoombas, hammer pants, rolled up jeans, acid washed anything, etc. They are funny yet embarassing memories. I have often wished I could go back in time and not commit those sins against mankind. But alas, I cannot escape what I did, all I can do is warn others. So I make the following plea to women everywhere:

Stop the madness!!! Those glasses are hideous and I mean absolutely hideous. They dwarf your face. They make your head look miniscule. In fact sometimes a man can’t even tell what you look like at all. Collectively, people are laughing at you, you just can’t see it through the dark brown plastic trashcan lids covering your eyes. Those Chanel CCs on the side, real or fake, are just hilarious. Here’s a suggestion: wear sunglasses that fit your face, that block UV rays, that look reasonable, in essence sunglasses that won’t haunt your dreams in the future. Heed my warning. If not you will look back someday and think about youself what many people are thinking now: “Good God what is she thinking?”

P.S. One last comment for now. Capri pants suck. Guys don’t like them. Unless flooding is expected, buy shorts or pants, you can’t have it both ways. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but somebody needed to tell you eventually. Now carry on.

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